Make It Make Sense

I write for myself. It feels good sometimes to get my thoughts out…and even though I don’t know if anybody’s listening…I still put it out there. Not so much for, validation…but in a way, it’s validating. Its my safe space. It helps me process.

That in mind, I was looking back at kind of where I’ve been, what I’ve gone through and how I’ve overcome…some shit, I am so glad to have in the past. But I noticed there’s a consistent theme in my story. And as I kept rereading it, I kind of got irritated, slightly annoyed and disgusted because it’s like fam…you have been a soft, slightly feeble and vulnerable woman your entire life and after all that you’ve been through, you have not changed. Why not?

The things I’ve been through and experienced over and over…there’s a few takeaways, but the way you process the lesson depends on your perception. So, let’s be flexible.

• I’ve been lied to, cheated on, manipulated, taken advantage of, ghosted or ignored — actions of other people that caused me pain.
• I “allowed” it to happen, I went back to certain losers, I looked past the red flags, I made myself accessible, I opened myself up, I made myself vulnerable with people who hadn’t “earned it”, I tried too hard, didn’t try hard enough, hoped for the best, focused on all the good and devalued the bad — my actions that cause me pain.

On one hand, it’s like…okay…change your behavior. Stop being so nice, gullible, forthcoming — whatever. And, yeah, I hear you…but that’s hard and it doesn’t bring me joy. Like, I have tried to turn my heart off and detach myself emotionally, operate with no connection, stay on the surface so no one can get too deep…that is enough to get by. However, it’s not fulfilling. To me, at least. So here’s the other thing…

My therapist says that I thrive or strive for a connection — something deeper that actually has meaning and aligns with my energy. My energy is peaceful. My energy is kind. My energy is love. My energy can be dangerous, but rarely without reason. I don’t think that I am a “perfect” person because I can definitely be mean to people that I disagree with or don’t fuck with. Holistically, I try to be a “good” person. But what the fuck does that even mean? You don’t get cookies for being a good person so what does it matter? Why would I want to be good when so much bad surrounds me? I could probably be making bank on onlyfans right now. Now I’m sitting here questioning, where has this gotten me?

I do notice sometimes that my mindset can be very self-righteous. I don’t like to look at and compare my sins to what’s been done to me because bad is bad. So, one part of me is saying, it doesn’t matter if you’ve done a little bit of bad and a lot of good, you still sinned and are worthy of punishment. On the other hand, it’s like maybe you’re underestimating the impact of your sins on others which is why you don’t particularly see them as significant. I did, however, make a trauma timeline and realize that a lot of bad shit has happened to me. I have also made additional note of the unpleasant things that I may have said or done that would have caused pain to others.

So, either I’m not as good as I think I am, which, I don’t put myself on a high horse that much anyway, so the pain in my life is karma — or — being good doesn’t matter and shit happens to everybody and therefore, requires minimal thought. What I’m ultimately trying to get at is how none of this shit makes sense anymore. Life.

This is a cry for help, but I am not contemplating suicide (not to mention, the hotline is ineffective and someone needs to train them differently because I wanted to die more after the phone call than I did when I first picked up the phone and waited for 45 minutes but that’s neither here nor there) so just go with me.

What I’m currently struggling with is accepting what I know to be true and incorporating it into the reality in which I’m in.

I think that the reason why I feel that I need someone to validate my existence is because my mom literally had me to validate hers. My whole life, she told me that I was her reason for living. She had me, and then I watched her chase love and her career while I…validated her existence. Internalizing the idea that there was something out there we all needed to look for in order to feel “complete.” Spent a nice lil while looking for it, then came upon the realization that…yeah…that’s just not life. Then 2020 happened. And I felt some shit that I didn’t ever fucking think was real. Felt sooooooo good and then ended. Some 2020 shit, of course, but now I’m stuck at a fork: either I was delusional, too hopeful and my heart was in the wrong place, or I wasn’t.

My reality would currently indicate that I was too hopeful and my heart was in the wrong place and what I need to accept is that dude truly wants me to leave him alone. That would mean accepting that what I experienced was real, but with limitations. That it was real, but not real enough to where it would “stand the test of time” for lack of better phrasing. So what does that mean? When I put it simply it makes sense, but the words don’t provide justification. So then I go off into fantasy land.

So, if 2020 was real, then life isn’t meaningless and everything happens for a reason. In my head, there’s someone out there who cares for me, even when I’m not watching. In my head, there is someone that sees me and wants me and enjoys me. If I follow my heart, I’m not accepting reality. And that’s why I’m so pissed. Nothing that I feel is connected with reality and I don’t understand. The only thing that I can gather is that it’s supposed to be happening for a reason but insert Cardi meme here because WHAT WAS THE REASON?! Why is there a lesson to learn in problem solving? Why must you feel pain to experience joy?

Life either has meaning or it doesn’t. It’s all a big coincidence and things just happen, randomly, with no direction — or, there’s a plan, there’s a purpose and you can be the creator of your own reality.

Scientific me believes the former is a lazy explanation. Life can’t just be a bunch of randomness making random shit happen because that just seems to easy. Even my exit in that world would be easy because that is not a life that I want to live in. A life where people genuinely try to be good and still get raped and mistreated is not a life that I particularly want to indulge in. That shit sounds horrible. I don’t want to live in that world and my mind takes me there on occasion because I am trying so hard to make this shit make sense.

If there’s a purpose for the things you experience, and you can create the happiness that you want — why do I need another person to help with that experience? My happiness would come from a connection and the more I sit at home without the stimulation my heart needs, everything gets blurry and confusing and I find myself just going through the motions. The bills make sense. Economics make sense. Going to school to make money to help my family and do all the shit that’s gonna push me through law school makes sense so that I can do. But this feeling shit? Ion like this fam. I was doing so good. I was at a decent place accepting that there was nothing else out there for me and that life just was what it was. And then this fucking 2020 happened and made everything confusing and now I don’t fucking know what’s real. Luckily I finished all my readings for class this week so I can spend the rest of the night pondering this shit but for real…none of this makes sense.

I would consider myself relatively smart…I can wrap my head around relatively logical things, and I know a lot of idiots so I know how stupid people think, and I still cannot figure out how any of what I am currently experiencing emotionally is real or how it is to be significant. What I think could or would resolve the problem is outside of my control and looking at the numbers, is not gonna happen which means that I’m being hopeful or unrealistic about the solution. Trying to rationalize reality so that I can jump in and be present and grounded and mindful…feels like it would mean accepting so many mean and heart heavy things that it feels wrong. And. That is why I will continue to utilize my safe space…so I can hopefully wrap all this shit together and make it make sense.

Update: two months later, still confused.